This Is A Poem About Time

Pernicious is the everlasting dream

That turns and twists and fails to become free

The white rabbit taunts me, running and sings:

“This is all just imaginary, see,

Infinity is just infinity

It’s human emotion and human greed.”

But sweetly the flowers with clarity,

Enlighten us passionately, no, pleads:

“As the sun sets, and the moon rises high,

So too we all must live, craving the light,

But ultimately we live to all die.”

Do not be afraid, this is not to fright

      This is not to despair, it is not coy.

      A life long to live is a life of joy.

Individual Paleo Pizza

Get a head of cauliflower. Put half of the head into the blender or food processor for a very generous you size portion, or process the whole head for more than one.

Heat over to 400,

Steam cauliflower until soft. About 5 mins for half a head, 10 for whole head depending on your method. (I have a microwave steamer).

 Allow cauliflower to cool.

 In the mean time, put one table spoon of coconut flower, garlic salt to taste, pepper to taste, and parsley to taste in a mixing bowl.

 Add two egg whites.

 Blend with cauliflower. (I used a spoon, a mixer might make for a more finer texture)

 Place parchment paper on cookie sheet.

 Put ‘dough’ on the cookie sheet, and spread into desired shape and thickness.

Bake for 15 minutes.

 In olive oil on the stove, stir fry multi colored bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, and chicken until thoroughly cooked. *You can mix and match this, have fun! Lots of veggies and at least 1 protein.

 Once cooked, set aside and heat up sugar free marinara sauce, or your own homemade pizza paste.

 Place sauce on pizza dough after 15 mins has passed.

 Place stir-fried veggies and protein on top, followed by sea salt and pepper to taste.

Place back into the oven for about 5-10 minutes.

Then cut up and enjoy!!!!!!

Make Up Bag

I hide them in my makeup bag,

Which is a very appropriate place to me.

I feel like I am a train running off of its tracks,

Slowly, with time.

When I have good days, it’s harder for me to imagine the bad ones.

I am just weak, I am over-reacting, being dramatic.

But when I have the bad days,

It seems like it destroys every good day I have had before.

It feels like the bottom of a pit,

This black creature slowly devouring me,

But it isn’t black,

It’s definitely white

So white it’s sterile,

It hurts my eyes.

I feel what others feel,

I laugh when they laugh,

I cry when they cry

Why am I the one who feels like I am going to die.

Even this statement I wish to immediately retract,

But I force myself to reason that this is a feeling

That I have.

I feel defective

Like something is missing.

I cry for no reason without my permission

Is this what crazy is

I ask myself this while stroking the cuts on my arms and hips,

And one stupid one on my palm that stings as I write this

Cutting is for preteens and suicidal narcissists

Why do I do it after nearly 2 months without doing it

The feeling of it on my skin

Still brings this punishment that I inflict on myself,

Not for any reason but because I am angry

I am angry that I am weak

That I feel like a child

That I cry more than I smile

That I feel fat and ugly and stupid and worthless when I am none of this

So why do I keep doing this after those 2 months of abstaining from abusing

Myself

Guilt is like a tree it seems to me

It grows and gets taller and has symmetry

It grows proportionally with my anxiety and anxiousness

That I experience every time I walk out of my bedroom door

It’s hard to knock down a tree

It takes fire or an axe

None of which I seem to possess

So it grows.

Why am I so lonely and defective

Unable to connect with

Other people

Why do I feel pain and not love

Feel far away from those who matter most

I smile vacantly so they do not know

That my feelings lay so shallow

Despite their importance.

I crave touch but I find myself

Flinching from it

I want a hug but my hugs only touch so much

I want to be grabbed and squeezed and told it’s going to be okay

Because despite this sea of sadness I know I am going to be fine

I feel embarrassed by my weakness but I can get over this

I just want something to change

No one to notice

But some love would be nice

Something I can get into

I need to feel someone else’s skin so I don’t just keep memorizing the lines of my sins on my arms and my hips

Because cuts and contusions

Are symptoms of self-delusion

I need to feel skin unbroken from self-anger and hate

So I can remember what it feels like to be okay.

A Poem About an Old Love

I smell fresh like lavender and daisies.
That’s irrelevant. But I taste like fire.
Do you know what I always find crazy?
Maybe it’s the time of the year. Are you my liar?

Don’t scare me. You scare the shit out of me.
Your very breathing keeps me panicking.
Feel me. Taste me. Adore me. Love me. Scream.
It is so diabolical, wreaking-

Havoc like a dry warm wind on very cracked skin,
chafing until I feel the burn of love.
Or is it hate? This mistake is my sin,
Will I see the metaphorical dove?

Peace is all I ask. I don’t need your heart?
I love you so much, please do not hurt me.
Careful where you tread, because love does bite.
I hate you, I love you, don’t prove me right.

Ultimatum

You hurt me once,

and say all the right things.

All is forgiven,

shame on you.

I feel anxiety twice,

I’m hurt once more.

All is forgiven,

shame on me.

Third times the charm,

we talk,

I cave,

When will I learn?

Enabling is a scary thing,

for someone who likes to give

herself so totally.

When will you learn that I won’t tolerate this?

that I have meaning and worth

and value?

Consider this your warning.

I will walk away the next time.

Because I am aware of my heart,

I have it tattooed on my skin.

Kitchen Sink Chicken Soup

Chicken Soup

Preheat over to 350

Olive oil, salt and pepper half of a spaghetti squash

Place in over for 45 minutes

 

Put minced garlic in the bottom of the slow cooker, turn on to high heat 4 hours.

Chop up bell pepper, any color

Place in the bottom with the garlic as it is beginning to heat up and brown

Place organic, grass fed boneless skinless chicken breasts on top of the peppers

Salt as desired using organic Sea Salt, and pepper as desired

Place kale on top of the seasoned chicken.

Pour half of a container of organic chicken broth (or until it nearly covers the chicken) making sure to pour onto the kale in order to have it cook down.

Place lid and allow to simmer for two hours.

After two hours, open lid and stir, making sure to push the kale into the liquid.

Add about half a carton of organic, culinary grade coconut milk and stir it in until its dissolved.

Add about a cup or so of coconut flour to thicken, stir, and return lid and allow to simmer for another 2 hours.

 

After the 4 hours are complete, scrape the spaghetti squash, and ladel the soup over the top of it and enjoy!!!!!!

 

I Got a Tattoo

I got a tattoo

It’s like a permanent grave for feelings

That I hope have been buried deeply

Never to resurface again.

They have been put to rest,

 

With a tulip sealing their fresh inked grave

A different kind of pain blossoms where

Something far more sinister lurked once before.

 

Words from a suicidal poet have given my grief

Much needed relief from constant atrocity of fixation

Moments without consolation,

feeling the hands of some rougher assailant touching my skin.

 

Gloved hands glide over now, soothing and stinging

Like little sharp pecks from a white doves head.

Words of power and affirmation stand proudly

Where once malice and hurt were branded.

 

I’ve taken the time and I have paid the man

To wash away someone else’s sin

Like a baptism on my suffered skin,

I can feel renewed,

 

My lease on life is signed and dated,

April 16, late 8 PM.

I’ll live until it is my time

And I’ll be buried with these marks

 

Marks that lock away demons

Where the word tulip now grows against this skin of mine

Proudly moving ever forward,

Alive until it is my natural time to die.

 

Thank you, Ms. Plath.